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Australia to Ban Teens from Social Media: 'Back to Smoke Signals and Carrier Pigeons'

In a bold move, the Australian government plans to ban teenagers from social media, citing concerns for their mental and physical health. Critics argue that this will drive online activities underground. 'Looks like it's back to smoke signals and carrier pigeons for communication,' said one disgruntled teen. Meanwhile, pigeon sales have reportedly skyrocketed.

Stephen Fry Votes in Austrian Election: 'Finally, a Chance to Influence Yodeling Policies'

In a surprising twist, British actor Stephen Fry has exercised his newly regained Austrian citizenship by voting in the Nationalratswahl. 'It's a privilege to finally have a say in the yodeling policies of this great nation,' Fry said. He also expressed excitement about potentially influencing the lederhosen regulations.

Satirist and Climate Journalist Win Award: 'Finally, Recognition for Making People Laugh and Cry'

Fritz Jergitsch, founder of the satirical news site 'Tagespresse', and Clara Porák, co-founder of the inclusive platform 'Andererseits', have been awarded the prestigious Rode-Preis. 'It's about time people realized that making them laugh and cry simultaneously is an art,' said Jergitsch. Porák added, 'Now I can finally afford that eco-friendly yacht I've been eyeing.'

Norwegian Footballer Plots Revenge: 'Baumgartner Will Feel My Wrath'

In a dramatic turn of events, Norwegian footballer Martin Ødegaard has vowed to seek revenge on Christoph Baumgartner after a fierce tackle left him injured. Ødegaard, who left the field with a grimace, has reportedly been practicing his 'revenge tackle' in secret. 'He will know what it feels like to be on the receiving end,' said Ødegaard, while sharpening his cleats.