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AT-Alert: Austria's New Alarm System to Warn of Impending Boredom

Austria's new AT-Alert system, designed to warn citizens of natural disasters, will also feature a special alert for 'extreme boredom'. The system will send out notifications whenever a particularly dull event is about to occur, such as a lengthy political speech or a marathon of Austrian soap operas. Officials hope this will encourage citizens to seek more exciting activities, like watching paint dry.

FPÖ and Identitarians: A Match Made in Political Heaven

In a move that surprises absolutely no one, the FPÖ and the Identitarian Movement have announced their official merger, forming a new political entity called 'The United Front of Questionable Ideals'. The new party promises to bring 'five good years' of nostalgia for a time that never existed, while also offering free history revisionism classes to all members.

Britain's Last Coal Plant Closes: Neighbors Mourn Loss of Free Sauna

With the closure of the Ratcliffe-on-Soar power plant, Britain bids farewell to its last coal-fired sauna. Local residents, who enjoyed the free steam baths courtesy of the plant's emissions, are now left to ponder alternative heating solutions. The government, meanwhile, celebrates its 'green' victory, promising to replace the plant with a giant wind turbine that doubles as a tourist attraction.

The Mountain Calls: A Guide to Avoiding Common Sense

As autumn paints the mountains in hues of gold, hikers are reminded to leave their brains at home. Experts suggest that the best way to enjoy a mountain hike is to ignore all safety advice and rely solely on the mystical powers of the 'Mountain Spirit'. This spirit, known for its love of unprepared tourists, is said to guide them safely back to their cars, provided they survive the journey.