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Online Subscriptions: The New Frontier of Unwanted Expenses

In a digital age twist, consumers are finding themselves trapped in a web of unwanted online subscriptions. From dating apps to washing machines, everything now comes with a monthly fee. 'I just wanted to wash my clothes, not subscribe to a laundry service,' lamented one frustrated customer. Consumer advocates warn that soon even breathing might come with a subscription fee, as companies look for new ways to monetize basic human needs.

US Election: Candidates Battle Over Who Can Raise Living Costs Higher

As the US election race heats up, candidates are now competing to see who can raise living costs the most. Donald Trump promises to make everything 'tremendously expensive,' while Kamala Harris counters with a plan to 'skyrocket prices to new heights.' Voters are left wondering if they should start investing in ramen noodles and canned beans. Analysts predict that the candidate who can make rent unaffordable for the most people will likely win.

Doctors Recommend 'Sleep Less' for Insomniacs: A Revolutionary Approach to Rest

In a groundbreaking medical revelation, doctors have suggested that the best cure for insomnia is to simply sleep less. 'It's a paradox, but it works,' claims Dr. Kai Spiegelhalder, who has been conducting sleep studies for over a decade. Patients are advised to stay awake as long as possible, with the hope that sheer exhaustion will eventually lead to a good night's sleep. Critics argue that this method might just be a ploy to sell more coffee.

Monkeys Demand Shakespearean Writing Classes After Study Debunks Their Literary Potential

In a shocking twist, a recent study has mathematically proven that monkeys, despite their best efforts, cannot write a Shakespearean play. This revelation has sent shockwaves through the primate community, with many monkeys now demanding access to writing classes to improve their literary skills. 'We refuse to be outdone by humans,' declared a spokesperson for the Monkey Writers' Guild. Meanwhile, zookeepers are scrambling to find typewriters and quills to meet the new demand.