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EU's New Commissioner: Fluent in English, Fluent in Bureaucracy

Magnus Brunner, the newly appointed EU Commissioner, impressed the EU Parliament with his near-perfect English and his ability to navigate complex bureaucratic jargon. 'I promise to uphold the values of the EU, and also to make sure no one understands what we're actually doing,' he declared confidently. His speech was met with applause and a collective sigh of relief from bureaucrats everywhere.

US Election Night: A New Olympic Sport in Patience

As the US election results trickle in, citizens worldwide are preparing for the ultimate test of patience. 'It's like waiting for a pot of water to boil, but the stove is in another country,' said one frustrated viewer. The event has inspired a new Olympic sport, where participants must wait for election results without checking their phones. The current record stands at 3 minutes.

Dinosaur Fossils Reveal: Even Prehistoric Creatures Had Bad Days

Recent discoveries in the Yixian Formation have revealed that even dinosaurs had their share of bad days. 'It turns out, they weren't all running from volcanoes,' said a paleontologist. 'Sometimes, they just had a cave collapse on them.' The findings have sparked a new trend in paleontology, with researchers now searching for evidence of dinosaur traffic jams and prehistoric office politics.

Crossword Puzzle Enthusiasts Demand More Challenging Grids

In a shocking turn of events, crossword puzzle enthusiasts have taken to the streets, demanding more challenging grids. 'We need puzzles that make us question our very existence,' said one protester, holding a sign that read 'Down with Easy Clues!' The movement has gained traction, with puzzle solvers across the globe uniting under the banner of 'Crosswords for the Brave.'