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Austria's Economic Plan: Saving Money by Printing More

In a surprising twist, Austria's government has decided to tackle the economic slowdown by simply printing more money. 'It's a foolproof plan,' said a government spokesperson. 'If we run out of money, we'll just make more.' Economists are skeptical, but the government insists that this will lead to a new era of prosperity, or at least a lot of new wallpaper.

Erotic Fair CEO Declares: 'Whips Are the New Feng Shui'

Manuela Eigelsreiter, CEO of the Pure Pleasure erotic fair, has announced a new trend in home decor: whips as a symbol of balance and harmony. 'It's not just about aesthetics; it's about energy flow,' she explained. The announcement has led to a surge in whip sales, with IKEA considering a new 'Fifty Shades of Pink' collection.

Lidl's New Cybersecurity Strategy: Hiring Russian Hackers

Faced with 350,000 daily cyber-attacks, Lidl has decided to take a novel approach: hiring the hackers themselves. 'If you can't beat them, hire them,' said CEO Gerd Chrzanowski. The plan is to employ the hackers to protect Lidl's systems, offering them a competitive salary and unlimited access to Lidl's famous bakery section.

Klagenfurt's New Budget Plan: Bake Sales and Lemonade Stands

In a bold move to tackle the 53 million euro budget shortfall, Klagenfurt's city council has proposed a series of community bake sales and lemonade stands. 'We believe in the power of community and sugar,' said Finance Councillor Constance Mochar. The plan has sparked a heated debate, with some suggesting a city-wide garage sale as a more viable option.