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Europe to Ukraine: 'Good Luck, We're Busy with Our Own Drama'

Following Donald Trump's election victory, Europe has decided to focus on its own internal squabbles, leaving Ukraine to fend for itself. 'We have our own soap opera to deal with,' said one European leader, referring to the ongoing political chaos. Meanwhile, Ukraine is left wondering if it should start its own reality TV show to gain international attention. Working title: 'Survivor: Kyiv Edition'.

Sick Days: The New Fitness Trend Sweeping the Workplace

In a surprising twist, going to work while sick has become the latest fitness craze. Employees are now competing to see who can cough the loudest in meetings or sneeze the farthest across the office. 'It's all about building immunity,' claims one enthusiastic participant. Meanwhile, HR departments are considering adding 'Sick Day Olympics' to their annual team-building events, complete with medals for 'Most Contagious'.

Private Jets: The New Eco-Friendly Way to Destroy the Planet

A recent study reveals that CO2 emissions from private jets have skyrocketed by 46% between 2019 and 2023. Environmentalists are baffled by the super-rich's innovative approach to climate change: flying more to raise awareness. 'It's like setting your house on fire to highlight the dangers of fire,' commented one expert. Meanwhile, the 0.003% of the population using private jets are reportedly planning a 'Save the Earth' gala, accessible only by private jet.

Trump Appoints First Female Chief of Staff, Susie Wiles: 'Because Women Can Also Be Yes-Men'

In a groundbreaking move, Donald Trump has appointed Susie Wiles as his Chief of Staff, marking the first time a woman will hold this key position. Trump praised Wiles for her ability to agree with him on everything, stating, 'Susie has been a crucial part of my campaigns, always nodding at the right moments.' Critics argue that this is a step forward for gender equality, as women can now also be part of the inner circle of unquestioning loyalty.