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Tinnitus Sufferers Form New Symphony Orchestra

In a unique twist on dealing with chronic tinnitus, a group of sufferers has formed the 'Ringing Ears Symphony Orchestra.' 'If you can't beat it, orchestrate it,' said founder and conductor, Maestro Buzz. The orchestra, composed entirely of individuals with tinnitus, aims to turn their constant ringing into a harmonious experience. Their debut concert, 'Symphony of the Inner Ear,' has already sold out, with audience members curious to hear what a symphony of perpetual ringing sounds like.

Orcas' New Hobby: Boat Bumper Cars

Marine biologists have finally cracked the code behind the recent spate of orca attacks on boats. 'They're just practicing for the next big bumper car tournament,' said Dr. Finley Waters. The orcas, known for their intelligence and playful nature, have been using boats as stand-ins for bumper cars, honing their skills for what promises to be the most exciting marine event of the decade. 'It's all in good fun,' assured Dr. Waters, 'but we do recommend boat owners to install extra bumpers just in case.'

ÖFB's New Strategy: Hiring Coaches via Tinder

In a bid to modernize its recruitment process, the Austrian Football Association (ÖFB) has decided to use Tinder to find its next U21 team coach. 'Swipe right for a winning strategy,' said Sport Director Peter Schöttel. The move comes after consulting with Ralf Rangnick, who suggested that the best way to find a coach who matches the team's style is through a dating app. Early reports indicate that several candidates have already been 'super liked,' but the final decision will depend on mutual interests and a shared love for tactical formations.

Ad-Free Subscription: The Ultimate Escape from Reality

In a groundbreaking move, derStandard.at has introduced an ad-free subscription service, allowing readers to finally escape the relentless bombardment of targeted ads. 'Now you can read about the world's problems without being reminded to buy a new vacuum cleaner,' said a spokesperson. The service promises a pure, unadulterated reading experience, free from the distractions of modern consumerism. However, some users have reported withdrawal symptoms, including a sudden urge to click on random banners.