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Austria's Big Battery Dreams: Still Charging

While the rest of the world is busy building massive battery storage facilities, Austria seems to be stuck in the 'loading' phase. In places like California and Texas, huge battery containers are popping up like mushrooms after rain, ready to store renewable energy. Meanwhile, in Austria, officials are still debating whether to use AA or AAA batteries. 'We want to make sure we get it right,' said an energy ministry spokesperson. 'Plus, we need to find a really big drawer to keep all these batteries.' Experts predict that Austria will catch up by 2050, just in time for the next energy crisis.

SPÖ Outraged Over ORF's Final Duel: Nehammer vs. Kickl

In a move that has left the SPÖ fuming, the final ORF TV duel will feature ÖVP's Karl Nehammer and FPÖ's Herbert Kickl instead of SPÖ's Andreas Babler. 'It's like being left out of your own birthday party,' lamented SPÖ media spokesperson Muna Duzdar. The ORF defended its decision, stating that they wanted to 'spice things up' and 'give the audience a real show.' Rumor has it that the debate will include a surprise round where the candidates have to solve a Rubik's Cube while discussing immigration policy. 'We just wanted to see who can multitask,' said an ORF insider.

Carolabrücke: Dresden's Newest Water Attraction

In a surprising turn of events, Dresden's Carolabrücke has decided to take a dip in the Elbe. During what was supposed to be a controlled demolition, a section of the bridge with tram tracks decided it had had enough and plunged into the river. 'We wanted to create a new tourist attraction,' joked a city official, 'a bridge that doubles as a diving board.' The remaining sections of the bridge are now being marketed as 'extreme sports zones' for thrill-seekers. 'It's not every day you get to drive over a bridge that might collapse,' said one excited local.

Chancellor Suits in ORF Showdown: Nehammer/Babler Government Needs Imagination

In a TV duel that could only be described as a sartorial standoff, Chancellor Karl Nehammer and SPÖ leader Andreas Babler clashed over everything from policy to the proper way to tie a tie. The two men, dressed in nearly identical dark suits and blue ties, made it nearly impossible for viewers to imagine a coalition between them. Nehammer's hand gestures and Babler's constant interruptions turned the debate into a fashion show gone wrong. At one point, the argument devolved into a heated discussion about the historical accuracy of St. Martin's cloak. 'This is the last thing we needed before the election,' sighed a SPÖ strategist, 'but at least they looked sharp.'