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Austrians Vote for Climate Deniers: Apocalypse Now

Despite facing extreme weather events, Austrians have decided to double down on climate denial by voting for the FPÖ. The party, which believes climate change is a hoax, celebrated their victory in Deutschfeistritz, a town recently submerged in floodwaters. 'It's just a coincidence,' said a party spokesperson while standing knee-deep in water. Meanwhile, scientists are considering moving to Mars, where the climate is more predictable.

Sobotka's Latin Lessons: How to Intervene Like a Pro

In a bizarre twist, National Council President Wolfgang Sobotka has taken it upon himself to educate ORF satirist Peter Klien on the finer points of Latin and political intervention. During a recent episode of 'Gute Nacht Österreich,' Sobotka explained that true political intervention requires a deep understanding of Latin phrases like 'Carpe Diem' and 'Veni, Vidi, Vici.' Klien, who has a degree in Latin, responded by quoting 'Alea iacta est'—the die is cast. Sobotka was last seen Googling what that means.

Political Debates: Now with 100% More Personal Drama

In an effort to boost ratings, political debates in Austria have taken a turn towards reality TV. Thursday's face-off between Chancellor Karl Nehammer and SPÖ leader Andreas Babler featured not just policy discussions but also a surprise DNA test, a lie detector segment, and a dramatic walk-off. Next week, viewers can look forward to a mud-wrestling match between Nehammer and Kickl. Who needs policies when you have prime-time drama?

Didi Kühbauer's Metamorphosis: From Coach to Philosopher

In a shocking turn of events, Didi Kühbauer, the coach of Wolfsberger AC, has decided to moonlight as a philosopher. Known for his 'deep' sayings like 'You have to think from game to game' and 'The final score is what counts,' Kühbauer has now published a book titled 'Football Zen: The Art of Saying Nothing Profoundly.' Fans are eagerly awaiting his next press conference, where he promises to unveil the meaning of life, the universe, and everything—spoiler: it's 4-2.