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Extreme Weather in Austria: When It Rains, It Pours

Austria is experiencing extreme weather, with rainfall levels so high that even ducks are considering moving to drier climates. 'It's like the sky has a vendetta against us,' said one local. The government has declared a state of emergency, and citizens are advised to build arks and start gathering two of every animal.

Reinhold Messner: The Man Who Climbed Mountains and Dodged Drama

Reinhold Messner, the legendary mountaineer, is celebrating his 80th birthday by doing what he does best: avoiding drama. 'I've climbed the highest peaks, but nothing compares to dodging family reunions,' said Messner. He plans to spend his birthday scaling a mountain in the Himalayas, far away from any potential birthday party disasters.

Iran Ready to Resume Nuclear Talks: Trust Issues and No Pressure, Please

In a surprising twist, Iran has announced its readiness to resume nuclear talks, but only if everyone promises to be nice. 'We need to build trust,' said Foreign Minister Abbas Araghchi, 'and that means no pressure, no mean comments, and definitely no sanctions.' The West responded by sending a bouquet of flowers and a 'We Miss You' card.

Lauren Bacall and 'Ukrainian Women in Men's Jobs': Monday's TV Tips

In a groundbreaking move, TV networks have decided to air a special segment titled 'Ukrainian Women in Men's Jobs' right after a classic Lauren Bacall movie. The show aims to highlight the 'shocking' revelation that women can, in fact, do men's jobs. Spoiler alert: They do it better. The segment will be followed by a discussion panel featuring men who are still trying to come to terms with this earth-shattering news.