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ORF's Election Drama: Who Will Sit on the Throne?

As the Nationalratswahl approaches, the real drama isn't in the political debates but in who will helm Austria's largest media conglomerate, ORF. With Roland Weißmann's term ending in 2026, the political circus is in full swing. 'It's like Game of Thrones, but with more suits and fewer dragons,' commented one political analyst. The SPÖ is particularly miffed about the latest debate lineup, proving that even in media, it's all about who gets the last word.

Insurance Guru Geyer: You Can't Insure the Afterlife

In a profound revelation, former Vienna Insurance CEO Günter Geyer declared that while you can insure almost anything, the afterlife remains off-limits. 'Faith deals with the time after the earthly life, and you can't insure that,' he said, as dark clouds loomed ominously outside his office window. Geyer also took the opportunity to discuss the career ambitions of Eastern European women and his gentle bees, because why not?

Herbert Kickl: The People's Chancellor on a Playground

In a bid to appear more relatable, FPÖ leader Herbert Kickl was spotted on a children's seesaw in a local park. 'This is so much fun!' he exclaimed, as he soared into the air, his legs flailing. The scene, which was captured on video and posted to Instagram, is part of his new campaign strategy to seem harmless and approachable. 'Next week, I'll be trying out the swings,' Kickl announced, much to the delight of his followers.

Apple Watch 10: The Revolution That Wasn't

In a move that shocked absolutely no one, Apple has released the Apple Watch 10 with the same old features wrapped in a slightly shinier package. Fans who were expecting a groundbreaking innovation akin to the iPhone X were left clutching their old watches, wondering if they had accidentally time-traveled back to 2019. 'It's like they took the Series 9, gave it a bath, and called it a day,' said one disappointed tech enthusiast.