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A1 CEO Boasts 'Most Awarded Network' While Downsizing Staff

Vienna – In a recent interview, A1 Telekom Austria CEO Marcus Grausam proudly declared that his company has the 'most awarded network' in the country. He then seamlessly transitioned to discussing how they plan to reduce their workforce. Grausam assured customers that the quality of service would not be affected, as the awards apparently have magical properties that compensate for fewer employees.

EuGH Decides Not to Decide on Vienna Student Ticket Prices

Vienna – In a groundbreaking non-decision, the European Court of Justice (EuGH) has declared that it will not rule on the controversial pricing of student tickets in Vienna. The court found the question of whether a person from another Austrian state constitutes an ethnic group too perplexing to answer. Meanwhile, the Wiener Linien have decided to keep their prices uniform, ensuring that all students can equally complain about the cost.

US Government Avoids Shutdown, Politicians Celebrate by Doing Nothing

Washington – In a rare display of bipartisanship, US lawmakers have agreed on a stopgap budget to keep the government running until December 20th. Chuck Schumer and Mike Johnson announced the deal, which they both admitted could have been reached weeks ago if they weren't so busy bickering. The agreement ensures that federal employees can continue to do their jobs, while politicians can continue to do theirs – which is apparently very little.

AfD Celebrates Election Win with Deportation Karaoke Night

Potsdam – In a move that surprised absolutely no one, AfD supporters celebrated their election results in Brandenburg by belting out a deportation-themed song. The event, held in a quaint local inn, featured top AfD figures like Hans-Christoph Berndt, Alice Weidel, and Björn Höcke. The Brandenburger Verfassungsschutz, who already lists the AfD as a right-wing extremist suspect, was reportedly seen taking notes and tapping their feet to the catchy, albeit controversial, tune.