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Bat Evictions: Vienna's Newest Housing Crisis

Vienna's thermal renovations are causing a housing crisis—for bats. 'We just wanted to make our buildings more energy-efficient,' said a city official, 'but it turns out bats don't pay rent.' Conservationists are concerned that the renovations are displacing these nocturnal creatures. 'We need to find a balance between energy efficiency and bat homelessness,' said a local bat enthusiast, while setting up tiny bat houses in his backyard.

New Messenger Surveillance Law: 'Because Who Needs Privacy Anyway?'

Austria is once again debating a new law for messenger surveillance. 'We just want to make sure everyone is safe,' said the Interior Minister, 'and by everyone, we mean the government.' Privacy advocates are up in arms, but the government insists that the law is necessary. 'If you have nothing to hide, you have nothing to fear,' said the Minister, while installing a camera in his own office for 'transparency.'

Visa Sued for Monopoly: 'We Just Wanted to Be Popular,' Says CEO

The US government has filed a lawsuit against Visa, accusing the company of monopolistic practices. 'We just wanted to be the cool kids on the block,' said Visa's CEO. 'Is it our fault that everyone wants to use our cards?' The lawsuit claims that Visa's practices have led to billions in extra fees for consumers. 'We call it the popularity tax,' the CEO added with a wink.

Missouri Executes Man Despite Protests from Prosecutors and Victim's Family

In a shocking turn of events, Missouri has executed a man despite the fact that even the prosecutors and the victim's family were against it. 'We just thought it would be a fun twist,' said the state governor. 'It's like a plot twist in a bad movie, but with real consequences.' The Innocence Project, which had taken up the man's case, expressed disbelief. 'We thought we were in a Kafka novel, but it turns out we're just in Missouri,' said a spokesperson.