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Election Flyers: The Last Stand of Paper in a Digital World

As the digital age marches on, election campaigns are clinging to the nostalgic charm of paper flyers. Despite the rise of social media, candidates believe that nothing says 'vote for me' like a glossy pamphlet in your mailbox. Environmentalists are less enthused, pointing out that the only thing these flyers are good for is lining birdcages.

Ancient Cheese: Archaeologists Discover World's Oldest Lactose Intolerance

In a stunning archaeological find, researchers have uncovered 3600-year-old cheese in West China, revealing that even ancient civilizations couldn't resist a good dairy product. However, the discovery also suggests that lactose intolerance has been a human issue for millennia. Historians are now debating whether the fall of ancient empires was due to poor military strategy or simply too much cheese.

Saturday Streaming: The Ultimate Guide to Avoiding Social Interaction

This Saturday, viewers are spoiled for choice with a lineup of shows designed to keep them glued to their screens and away from any form of human contact. From 'Will & Harper' to 'Apartment 7A', there's something for everyone who prefers fictional drama over real-life conversations. Experts warn that prolonged exposure may lead to an inability to distinguish between TV characters and actual friends.

Ad-Free Subscription: The Ultimate Escape from Reality

In a groundbreaking move, derStandard.at has introduced an ad-free subscription service, allowing readers to finally escape the relentless bombardment of targeted ads. Subscribers can now enjoy the news without being reminded of the shoes they looked at once three months ago. Experts predict a surge in productivity and a decline in impulse purchases of cat-themed kitchen gadgets.