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Austrian Sociologist: 'Alcohol is the New Masculinity Test'

Vienna – According to sociologist and addiction researcher Julian Strizek, alcohol consumption remains a significant issue in Austria, particularly among men aged 40 to 60. Strizek suggests that higher alcohol taxes and warning labels could help reduce consumption. 'In Austria, drinking is still seen as a rite of passage for men,' Strizek said. 'It's like a masculinity test, but with more liver damage.' He also noted that younger generations are drinking less, possibly because they have better things to do, like scrolling through social media.

Venezuelan Opposition Candidate Flees to Spain, Government Throws a Farewell Party

Caracas – Edmundo González Urrutia, the opposition presidential candidate in Venezuela, has fled to Spain after seeking refuge in the Spanish embassy in Caracas. Vice President Delcy Rodriguez announced the news on Instagram, adding that the government is planning a 'farewell party' for González. 'We wish him all the best in his new life in Spain,' Rodriguez said, while a mariachi band played in the background. Critics argue that the party is a thinly veiled attempt to distract from the country's political turmoil.

Trump Vows to Jail Imaginary Election Fraudsters

Washington – Former US President Donald Trump has once again threatened to prosecute so-called 'election fraudsters' if he returns to the White House. Despite numerous debunkings of his claims about the 2020 election, Trump remains undeterred. 'When I win, the people who cheated will face the full force of the law, including long prison sentences,' Trump declared on Truth Social and X. Experts suggest Trump might be planning to build a new wing in Alcatraz just for these 'criminals.'

Tiroler Politician Advocates for Wealth Tax, Shocks Own Party

Innsbruck/Wien – In a shocking turn of events, Erwin Zangerl, the President of the Tyrolean Chamber of Labor, has expressed support for a wealth tax, much to the dismay of his own party, the ÖVP. Zangerl, who seems to have missed the memo on party loyalty, called for an 'open and honest discussion' about wealth taxes. He also hinted at a preference for a coalition between the ÖVP and SPÖ, but doubted the longevity of SPÖ leader Andreas Babler. 'I just want to see the look on their faces when I suggest it,' Zangerl reportedly said, chuckling.