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Rosenkranz: 'Jewish Life in Austria Has Nothing to Fear... Except My Dance Moves'

In a recent interview, National Council President Walter Rosenkranz assured the Jewish community that they have nothing to fear from his leadership, except perhaps his dance moves at future events. 'I promise to step aside if my presence is not wanted,' he said, 'but I can't promise not to bust a move if the music is good.' Critics remain skeptical, suggesting that Rosenkranz's dance floor diplomacy might not be enough to ease tensions.

Crossword Puzzles: The New Intellectual Property Warzone

In a shocking turn of events, crossword puzzles have become the latest battleground for intellectual property rights. 'It's not just a game anymore,' said a representative from phoenixen.at. 'It's a matter of national security.' With exclusive rights to daily puzzles, the company warns that any unauthorized sharing could lead to crossword espionage. 'We take our 7-letter words very seriously,' they added.

Gene Therapy: The Cure for Everything Except Your Wallet

Gene therapies are hailed as the future of medicine, promising to cure everything from cancer to rare genetic disorders. However, there's a catch: the price tag. 'It's revolutionary,' said a spokesperson, 'but only if you can afford to revolutionize your bank account first.' With 49 new therapies on the horizon, patients are advised to start saving now or consider selling a kidney to afford the treatment.

AI Weather Forecasts: Now with 100% More Hallucinations!

In a groundbreaking move, meteorologists have decided to embrace the power of 'hallucinating AI' to improve weather forecasts. 'Why rely on boring old data when you can have AI dream up the weather?' said Raia Hadsell, VP at Google DeepMind. The new system promises to predict not just rain or shine, but also unicorn showers and rainbow tornadoes. 'It's like a weather forecast and a fantasy novel all in one,' Hadsell added.